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Online Book Club: NurtureShock Chapter 6: The Sibling Effect

Welcome to the sixth installment of our Online Book Club, featuring NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. Everyone is welcome to join in at any time, either here or on our Facebook page. We’ll cover the 10 chapters one at a time over the next few weeks. We welcome your thoughts and personal experiences in the comments. If you have a question you’d like to ask of the authors, either include it in the comments or email Jennifer at jcaleshu(at)badm.org and she’ll pass it along.

Chapter 6: The Sibling Effect. Freud was wrong. Shakespeare was right. Why siblings really fight.

Did you know that only-child households are now more common than two-child families? Fortunately for me, as mom of 2, this chapter doesn't dwell too long on the differences between only-children and others. Fortunately, because most of the chapter is about the perennial question, "How can I get my kids to be nice to each other!?!" Observational studies show that young siblings clash for about 10 minutes of every hour - exhausting for them and for their parents.

And it turns out sibling relationships are pretty stable long-term, providing even more incentive to figure out how to engender a positive relationship from the get-go. One of the great ideas I hope to try to foster in my own household is the importance of helping siblings have fun playing together towards a shared outcome, despite age differences. Shared goal playing seems to help transform the balance of interactions towards the positive - helping the good times outweigh the bad.

It may be too late for my family (we already have our 2 kids!), but the best predictor of the quality of the sibling relationship is the quality of the relationship with her best friend before the new baby comes along. Children need help developing their sibling relationships into the kind of friendship you have with a best friend - the kind of friendship you work to maintain, rather than the one that is thrust upon you. And shared goal-play may help!

I am also intrigued by the research showing how children's books might influence children towards negative feelings towards their siblings. I definitely noticed this when reading "new baby" for my eldest - some of them would definitely have put negative feelings in his mind if I hadn't pre-screened them! But they were helpful once he had started to exhibit some of those negative feelings. It's interesting to compare this to research earlier about how children don't pick up the implied multicultural message of TV programming - clearly the "message" is stronger in the sibling books.

What do you think? How can you help your kids be more friends than siblings? Share your thoughts here and on our Facebook page.

This entry was posted on 12/07/09 and is filed under Jennifer Caleshu.
Tagged: book club

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